
Ah, Halloween: that sumptuous holiday full of mystery and terror! Cracker jacks and apple strudels for all the costumed kids parading around the neighborhood, in celebration of the Dark Prince himself! Even as a feeble 34 year old well into the twilight of his life, the anticiption of Halloween night still sends me into spasms of childish joy; all year long I eagerly await the opportunity to don my grim reaper mask and black cloak (an industrial strength garbage bag with armholes), plastic scythe clutched in my hands, savoring the sweet feeling of omnipotence as the public stares in horror at my terrifying presence. The thrill of being mysterious! It is, after all, only on the magical day of October 31th that such behavior is socially acceptable, and you best believe I cherish every last precious second of it. (Though I sometimes can't resist the urge to display my costume during the off-season: nothing like Death himself walking through Country Fest and instilling some dread in these primitive hicks!) But this year, something is different. There is the smell of revolution in the air. Times are tough. Tensions are high. Televisions are blaring non-stop. Telephones are ringing incessantly! Through all this noise and confusion, I sense an opportunity: an opportunity for some incredibly creative costumes that border on True Art; terrifying works of beauty that challenge The People and their shallow views, leading to substantial social change - or a fat lip, if you're a bit too pompous. Gadies and lentleman, I am honoured to bring you my top five costumes for Halloween 2023, presented just in time for you to get out to the nearest thrift store or dumpster bin and start concocting your own unique creation!*
5) Iran
I mean that quite literally: a giant cut-out of the state of Iran. Attending costume parties is difficult, and if the host has narrow bathroom doors you're in for a thoroughly unenjoyable night - but the fear and terror it spreads amongst your fellow westerners is certain to make you the most remembered costume of the night, if you can survive the violent beatings you'll inevitably receive.
4) Joe Biden
What's not to be scared of? This emaciated corpse should've been put under 20 years ago. He's practically a mummy at this point. The tortured phrases; the diminishing presence; the absolute unpredictability and lack of coherence (chaos, as Jordan Peterson rightly observes, is a terrifying phenomenon for humans, as represented by Eros: God of wheat, flour, and tortillas): all of these traits performed with the utmost care and sincerity not only serves up a healthy dose of terror, it also offers some comic relief during this unsettling time of year - the fact this guy is President sure makes one wonder how much longer the West has left at this point. Innocent laughs OR existential dread: the Joe Biden costume is fail-proof.
3) The Journalist
The banality of the average reporter is horrific. Just look at the legions of these soulless demons filling the airwaves; it's something right out of Night of the Living Dead. The bonus of the Journalist is it offers such versatility: casual attire; fancy suit; group costume complete with camera man and boomstick; get creative! It's the perfect option for those who LOVE improvisation: simply "cover" any topic that terrifies the group you find yourself in. Group of lefty socialists? Talk about the Deep State and how Trump is going to save the country! A crowd of libertarian ingrates? Just mention the LGBTQ community and the desperate need for state intervention! Scare the Hell out of the gaggle of environmentalists in their bamboo living room by simply approaching them and whispering those two dreaded words: "climate change." Trust me: NO ONE is apolitical - you'll eventually score a topic that hits an artery! Never give up.
2) Hamas insurgent
This costume became very popular in the last few weeks, for obvious reasons. The less said about this, the better.
1) Vladimir Putin
For the second year in a row, Vlad the Impaler II scores the #1 place on attire to shock the masses. Putin is synonymous with Satan himself at this point, so very little work has to go into this one. In fact, permanently displaying Putin's face on WANTED posters around the country has numbed the public to his appearance, which means you're going to have to spice this one up a bit. Dousing yourself in blood is an excellent idea. Carry around a tactical nuclear weapon or an ICBM missile, if you can handle the weight. And if you really want to impress people with your deep historical knowledge, ride shirtless on horseback. BONUS IDEA: if you're facing a time crunch, simply wave a Russian flag. Fair warning: you face the same risks with this costume that #5 does. (In fact, reading this over it looks like all these costumes are equally perilous.)
Any other ideas should be shared immediately: we only have 10 days, people!! Happy Halloween, everyone, even though it's scary enough out there already!
*All costumes patented. The use of any of these costumes is strictly prohibited. Anyone caught using these costumes without the author's permission face a heavy fine and a stern lecture on the importance of property rights. They'll also be forced to write this warning out many, many times.
(AI-generated image by draconianimages on pixabay)
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