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How to Use a Newspaper

Submitted by Edward on Sat, 11/04/2023 - 20:27

 Today, we will be covering a topic that many of you have, no doubt, been doing wrong for years. Though many believe they are at the forefront when it comes to reading the average newspaper, what they have chosen to ignore is that the newspaper is a dated old rag that holds nothing substantial whatsoever. Local or international, the newspaper has never been displayed so brazenly for what it is: mindless gossip for failed writers turned opinion columnists. Never in the history of civilization has such a medium been exposed for its glaring flaws. Happily, newspapers are in decline nationwide; all one has to do is wait things out while those advertising dollars flee to brighter, healthier, and far more prosperous shores - that is, Big Tech.

 In the meantime, you're probably wondering what you can do with your latest edition of the daily paper. Having been suckered in myself to the whole "educated citizenry" narrative that newspapers are constantly claiming they are at the forefront of, I have had plenty of time to experiment with newspapers and have found novel ways of using these bundles of pathetic advertising and poor writing. Here are just a few suggestions:

- Paper-ball fights: obvious to anyone who had a childhood.

- Numerous papers rolled up very tight make excellent torches, though admittedly their lifespan is extremely brief. 

- If you're one of those hoarders with moving boxes packed full of news from 2001, you've got yourself a guaranteed weapon in an anarchic situation: simply place the box at a strategic location, light a match, and leave Mother Nature to do the rest.

- Newspaper fans: perfect for hot days.

- Newspaper kindling: perfect for cold days.

- Finally, there's the traditional swat-your-dog-on-the-nose-with-the-paper technique perfected throughout the years. Who would've thought bundles of paper were capable of disciplining our beloved four-legged companions?

 As long as you do not actually read the newspaper, all will be well. However, if cheesy ads and pernicious opinion pieces are your forte, you get yourself on down to the nearest convenience store and keep pumping your hard-earned cash into this decaying carcass of an obsolete medium; lord knows they could use every dollar, judging by how many times they write about how desperately they need the public's support. 

Under NO circumstances should you read opinion pieces written by government officials.

 

 

(image by geralt on pixabay)

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