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Costume Six

Submitted by Edward on Sun, 10/29/2023 - 21:18

Last week's post has sparked quite a reaction, if the sheer amount of postage I received is anything to go by. While many were thrilled by the creative opportunities I presented to the populace (thank you, by the way, for all your kind and thoughtful words; at least those of you who could spell properly), others were outraged that I would stoop so low and make light of such touchy political topics. Rest assured, all you devoted revolutionaries: I never meant to insult anyone. The costumes presented are nothing more than what I intended them to be: brilliant ideas that only genius could conjure forth from the depths of his tortured mind. Now that I am aware that many aspiring ideologues are also devout Halloween fanatics, I promise to save all these ideas at least until October 29th, where the window for outrage is far smaller.

In an attempt to ease hostilities, I have decided to share a special sixth costume that I believe will be acceptable to all my readers: both deranged Halloween fan and political pundit alike. Those who enjoyed the previous five now have a bonus costume to throw into their bag of tricks when they go off to the thrift store and cover themselves in whatever flimsy plastic encasement they desire. And those who are more, shall we say, socially concerned, will be forced to accept the brilliance of this particular costume regardless of ideological commitments. Both camps can agree on one thing, at least: it's a simple costume to throw together at the last minute.

  Costume Six is very special. It blends many elements of the Halloween tradition into one exceptional synthesis of new and old: a timeless creation that is terrifying, amusing, historical, and titillating all at once. The effect on bystanders is predictable: shouts of amazement blend with hushed awe; wide-eyed stares and dropped jaws follow the costumed wherever they roam. I should know: I have been testing this costume for many weeks now, and the reaction is always the same. Those who can't help but be the centre of attention, take note: this is your one-way ticket to satisfying your unquenchable egotistical drive. 

Costume Six will resonate with many Canadian trick-or-treaters in particular: striking deep into our culture's psyche, it brings forth a vicious flood of uncomfortable truths - past, present, and future. Our country's heritage is one riddled with hypocrisy and inferiority; it is important to bring these truths to light if we are ever to reconcile our differences and bring a just, prosperous society to fruition. In fact, all Canadians should be required to wear this costume every October 31st. It will serve as an important reminder that we as Canadians all stand together as One in facing our tortured past, and are capable of leading the world with our friendly Canadian values (which appear to be nothing more than Great Power servility.) 

 Alright: enough dragging out the word count. My friends: Costume Six, in all its splendour and glory, is the one, the only, the Canadian hero himself: Yaroslav Hunka.

Hunka, pictured above, could be any of these men. Hell, he could even be that partial woman on the right. 

I can see your shocked expressions even now: not one of you saw this coming! But in hindsight, it would be a crime against humanity to not share this idea with the public - almost as criminal as what this sick freak did while he strutted around in the Galacia division! Just look at his puckered flesh and sunken posture. Think of the terrors this man has unleashed in his past, sitting safe and sound at the ripe old age of 100 at the very centre of our democratic institutions! He's probably thinking of all the barbaric acts he committed while under the command of the Nazis, chuckling to himself while the most powerful men and women in Canada applaud him endlessly with ear-splitting grins plastered on their clueless faces. Hunka not only represents the malice of pure evil (and how to get away with it): he's also a reminder that the Canadian political class are complete idiots. Even you political junkies have to admit that's pretty scary!

Yaroslav Hunka: the 100 year old Nazi war criminal. Yaroslav Hunka: lurking within the prosperous and decadent West, living a life of comfort and prestige while his crimes go unpunished. Yaroslav Hunka: Canadian War Hero. My friends, I have bestowed upon thee the most sinister of Halloween costumes. Now, nothing is left to stop you. Go out this Tuesday and torment the public with this glorious embarrassment in Canadian history. And whenever you see a Canadian flag whipping in the winter winds, don't think of "Freedom" or "Democracy" or "F*ck Trudeau." Instead, think of these inspiring and thoughtful words: "Slava Ukraini!"

 

P.S. Here's a little quip that will keep the kids up at night. An elderly man gently caresses the gnarled claws of his geriatric wife and whispers, "You'll never know how beautiful you are to me." The sunken corpse sprawled on the couch cackles madly and rebuts: "Of course I won't, you moron: I've been blind for 30 years!" 

Two months until Christmas, folks! 

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