I’ve been suspicious of Taylor Swift’s popularity for some time now. Don’t get me wrong: She can certainly “belt a tune,” as they say. But one can only poeticise heartbreak so many times before my sympathy begins to dry up like a Cruel Summer. (Haha!) And she certainly won’t be revolutionizing musical theory anytime soon, either. After all, how many pop-singers use vocal layering to spice up those verses and choruses; or give us a good old key change for the grand finale; or sing about love? Answer: All of them. That being said, “Me!” is so catchy that Health Canada should label it a dangerous and highly addictive substance.
With the cognitive dissonance becoming unbearable, I turned to that miracle of instantaneous information - The Internet - and immediately took a dive into the Taylor Swift Conspiracy Theory. I had no choice. I just couldn’t understand how, all of sudden, in 2023, Taylor Swift exploded. She was everywhere. The television. The magazine rack. The Arts & Life section. My popcorn bucket. And now rumour has it the Biden administration is actively seeking her out for an endorsement! Think about that: Old Joe’s political strategy to liven-up his emaciated image rests on a pop-singer and her legion of fans who want to forget politicians like him exist in the first place. But could Swifties be convinced to “Vote Joe” even if given the signal from the Person of the Year herself? I’ll leave that to the pollsters at ET to find out.
Anyways, it only took a few seconds of headline skimming before the mystery was solved and I was thoroughly disappointed - and so soon after realizing that the WEF wasn’t spraying my apples with mRNA technology! The boys on 4chan had it all wrong. This whole affair had very little to do with Taylor Swift, and more to do with another beautiful bombshell, albeit one with far less charisma.
The culprit: Alicia Bargar, Research Engineer of the Johns Hopkins Applied Physics Laboratory.
You see, this entire Taylor Swift thing stems from one source: a short clip, not even two minutes long, of Mrs. Bargar faltering through a speech at The 11th International Conference on Cyber Conflict organised by the NATO Cooperative Cyber Defence Centre of Excellence. A mouthful of pretentiousness, I know - but that was petty cash compared to what was coming. Mrs. Bargar’s argument, when you sift through the rhetoric and ignore the stuttering, is a simple one - so simple, in fact, that anyone who labels it a “conspiracy” needs to get out into society more often: Major celebrities (or, to use the euphemism of choice, “key actors”) should be used to spread “desired messaging.” Bargar provides the quaint example of Taylor Swift pictured at a voting booth. Which means “T. Swift” is influencing The People to vote. Which tells you all you need to know about American democracy.
No wonder NATO is losing its global influence, when people like this are drawing up the game plans.
And that’s it, folks. Wrap it in newspaper and toss it in the trash, because the Taylor Swift Conspiracy stems from nothing more than a two minute video of a stunning enchantress sifting through a slide-show while suffering a severe case of stage-fright. And yet, there is something amusing about this whole affair; one that confirms what really blinds us - sorry - binds us as human beings. Whether you're a research engineer, a plain-old engineer, or an engine repairman: We all love our celebrities. Personally, I’m a big Ryan Reynolds fan, and am simply ecstatic to see another Deadpool is on the way. I can’t wait until he references Canada, and I get to experience a small burst of patriotic pride while sitting in my recliner seat! Oh, thank you, Disney!
In the end, we are left with nothing but Taylor Swift, international superstar, blessed to be in the midst of a society in the throes of political polarization. All I can say is: Good Luck, Taylor. Keep pumping out those hit singles, and soon I’ll be able to listen to your entire music career just by turning on the radio.
While we’re on the subject of Taylor Swift, celebrity worship, and democracy: How about that Super Bowl? Honestly, whoever had the idea of fusing pop-star glamour and NFL grit into “The Relationship of the Century” is a genius of epic proportions; Edward Bernays would shed a tear over such brilliance. And wasn’t Usher simply majestic, twirling around on those roller skates? 127 million viewers: The most viewed program in American history. A pity the Founding Fathers couldn’t witness it.
image: Paolo Villanueva from New York, USA, CC BY 2.0 <https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0>, via Wikimedia Commons
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